Duolingo, Inc.

I'm reporting live from Duolingo's funeral.

Yep, that's me.

You're probably wondering how I ended up in this situation. Let's go back to where this whole thing started. I've always had two main goals, get people to do their lesson, and get Dua Lipa to notice me. Neither was working. I had to do something drastic, so I thought, why not kill one green bird with two stones? So I called up bootleg Jack Antonoff with my idea. But who would do the deed? I've collected many enemies throughout the years, and it would be easy to blame any one of them. I know who I could frame. Jimmy. With multiple Jimmys at foul play, I'd let everyone speculate. But what I didn't realize is, so many people would jump at the opportunity to be the cause of my death, even using my death to hit your quarterly KPIs. Now I know the death video looked incredibly realistic. But it was all edited. The Cybertruck was mainly there for dramatic effect. And perhaps some social commentary. I realized my friends were being asked too many questions. And they were too nice to lie. So it was apparent I had to make them fake their deaths too. Once again, not enough of you were doing your lessons. So I had to go to extreme measures. Don't you ever learn your lesson? I wanted to see how many of you would bother to bring me back to life. I quickly found out who the real ones were. Thank you, Zachary Lumsden, for commenting on every single social post for the past five years and for always doing your lesson. But most importantly, Dua finally noticed me. She still hasn't said anything about my ashes I sent her. So yeah, was there some drama? Sure. Did some people get falsely arrested along the way? Maybe. Did I sell custom coffins? I had to pay off the Cybertruck rental somehow. I guess you could say I put the fun in funeral. So yeah, please, just do your lesson because next time it won't be a fake death.